fear is a mighty thing

here i thought we were actually doing something. something different. something unconventional. who do you talk to when you are divorced and trying to figure things out? who do you go to, if you’re going to see a counselor? certainly not a marriage counselor. definitely not the one who is “pro-marriage.” i like the thought of that one, but honestly, can they help a pro-marriage couple who seriously sucked at marriage but want to get it right but are divorced now? maybe the wounds run too deep. maybe the years of being made last and verbalizing those things have finally sunk in until it hits my blood and it runs through my veins to my heart, where i learn being put last isn’t right. not worth it. the question remains why did i accept that kind of relationship? the kind where i felt i was not only the last priority but the one he never considered?

those girls he called from past relationships in hopes of achieving some kind of answer. the ones who had been molested, raped, sexually abused. the ones he wanted answers to for understanding parts of their relationships from a decade ago. he understands those. but me? the one he loved and married and had kids with? no grace. mine is an excuse. one i can’t use to protect myself. i was raped. but it makes no difference now. i’m different in his eyes. i don’t know how one can have standards or expectations for one, but not another.

through tears i admit to mistakes. i was not open throughout the divorce to hear him. to really truly hear him. but is divorce the right time to really and truly hear them? why not before? i want to know why i had to divorce him to get him to realize he could lose me. forever. i made mistakes. they are mine. i can live with them. i have forgiven myself for them. one thing i have learned is i am not my mistakes nor do they define me. the grace i gave all those days-weeks-months-years meant nothing. not one little thing. i finally say something to slow us down and it is over before it began. again. he left before it could get good. or bad. maybe it would get bad again. maybe it would be out of this world good. i have no idea. i took the risk. i took the chance. i don’t believe that being broken as the way we were meant to be. i believe accepting brokenness as a way of being together is is an excuse made out of fear. fear to drive away those that might just hurt you, but you don’t really know. every day it is something you have to decide. to not let fear drive you. fear is debilitating. fear is mean, cold, devoid of reality.

fear is a mighty thing. i know. so is love. but, i lived in fear and it kept me from the thing i wanted more than anything. it kept me from seeing the change, the good, the love, the struggle to do right. i was afraid it would come back and repeat itself. rear its ugly, good for nothing head. so i loved. it didn’t matter. because even with love and living in love and making that daily decision to trust that he would be different and do different and actually do the thing he promised…still fear prevailed. because of fear, i will never know what could be.

the thing you put energy into. the thing you feed…it grows. you give life to lifeless things. those things flourish. i refuse to feed the thing that doesn’t even exist unless i let it.. he put his energy into his fear of it being just the same way as it was a few months before.

divorce isn’t something any one really wants. it admits failure. without words, it admits pain, sadness, weakness, tears and anger, loss, grief, death of dreams. lost love. how does love just go by the wayside? isn’t that something people should see and value and want to never go without?

i am worth every second, every minute, every month that you put into me.

i am worth every dollar you choose to spend, but not only worth the amount you spent on me.

there is no unit of value when it comes to a person’s worth. until you realize that, the $60 bouquet of flowers will always be only $60 that you spent on someone. until you realize that, the time it takes to plan a well-thought out, meaningful evening, will have little monetary value, but could be worth a million dollars.

whether you are the one who started the divorce or the one who got the notice, divorce really, really sucks.

how to make yourself want to run away or disappear. or maybe both.

you guys. i am losing my dang mind. this husband of mine…why won’t he just divorce me already!? he was served and waited. and waited. for three weeks. no phone calls to me about stopping the divorce. no phone calls about anything. just business as usual.

then, one week until he had to respond. suddenly, stopping the divorce and working things out was on the top of his list. he even threw in there that either his ‘resources’ went to catching up the mortgage or retaining a lawyer. he went on and on about how i have to bring my oldest son’s father to court for child support. all i could say to him was “fuck you!” i was raped by my son’s father and i want nothing to do with that man and neither does my son. no, my son does not know that information, but he has made it clear he does not want him around. my husband went on to call me damaged and you know, instead of helping me heal (because isn’t that what you do if you truly love someone?) he goes on to throw it in my face that i’m damaged emotionally and of course, what better way to heal than to take him to court for money. seriously. i needed some reassurance that the things he said as he was pouring his heart out to me about loving me and wanting us to work on ourselves so our marriage might fall into place (before saying all of those things and more; also laying it all out there how much it will cost him to divorce me and how it’s going to set him back for at least six months). he couldn’t give me any reassurance that this was about love, growth, family…not money and financial set backs. i wanted a plan, so that we wouldn’t find ourselves back here in six months. he couldn’t do that either, not even say he would work with me to create a plan.

i told my counselor how he suddenly wanted to work on things with me. she reminded me that last year when we were separated january-may, there was no urgency or deadline for him to act on, so we just stayed separated. he even took it upon himself to sleep with someone else. this time there was this deadline to respond to my filing of the divorce so it created a sense of desperation for him to try and stop it. she also reminded me that while he was living here, there was no need for him to continually work on things with me and make me feel safe and fulfilled within our marriage because he thought i depended on him so much that i’d just keep taking his shit and if he did leave, i’d be here waiting. literally in the year 2013, we spent five months living together. i’ve come to realize, from him being around trying to get me to stop this divorce, that we are one of those couples who have such an unhealthy connection, like the saying, “can’t live with them, can’t live without them.” so entirely true, but who wants that kind of thing? it literally makes me feel crazy. it makes me want to run away and disappear into the world so that i don’t have to deal with this crap anymore! why did i even LET him back into my life? why did i answer the phone after he called ten times in a row? he gave me a false sense of hope only to let me down again when he couldn’t reassure me that i wasn’t going to be doing this all over again in half a year. the truth is, i already know better. back in may, when he moved back in after having been gone since January, i wanted similar things. and yet…here i am, six months later, with him gone once again. did i mention he called me “paid company”?? and that he would “gladly pay to have you go away as it couldn’t possibly be as much as it cost me to have you around the past four years”? oh but wait, he loves me and wants to work on things. that, my friends, is what my mom calls “MIND FUCKING.” my mom is not a woman who swears and usually sees the good in people, but she taught me about mind-fucking years ago when i dated this guy. why did i not listen to her then. when i told my dad he was hoping i would stop the divorce, he said, “you said, NO….RIGHT?!”

so about that ‘how to make yourself want to run away or disappear thing.’ i don’t recommend it. don’t let yourself be tampered with in such a way that you feel like this. there are people who want you around, who need you to be present. you made a decision to end your marriage and it’s up to you to keep moving forward. don’t talk to him/her unless you have to. don’t text them. don’t send them cute pictures of your cute kids doing cute things he/she would usually be there to experience. just don’t. have a friend or family member you can send those things to. create a support system for yourself. i know we miss them. i know we miss the idea of everyone together as a family. i know it gets lonely and hard and you want to drink the whole bottle of wine and sleep until forever. i know you want to not have to feel the pain, the tears, the change. it’s all SO HARD. the thing is, life wasn’t meant to be lived like this. it was meant to be enjoyed, to see the beauty, to be loved and to love, to eat good food, enjoy good company, to see the goodness in each other, to raise babies into amazing people.

we have to keep showing up. we have to learn lessons from this time. we have to shower and blow dry our hair and put on our cute outfits and boots and like who we see in the mirror, even if we really know that this is just a cover up so that we can leave the house and not make people want to run for cover. we have to. we will cry and cry and cry. we will wonder if the tears will ever stop. then, one day, they just will. then we will be angry out of nowhere and blow up at our mom who brings us a chair for our family room and offers to help us finish painting the kitchen wall that we never finished because we didn’t like the color we picked. then we will cry some more because this is NOT the life we expected. (maybe this happened to me…) and anyway, who really gives a damn about a kitchen wall? the thing is, that will pass too, just like the tears did. and as long as we feel the emotions and not ignore them, we will heal. it will get easier. soon the sadness and the anger will be a memory and might visit sometimes, but mostly, we are done with that part. then we realize how much joy the people who are still in our lives bring us. so we lost one person, but what did we gain? i have already gained a greater sense of determination, boundaries, an ability to see that all these amazing, wonderful, loving people i had in my life before are still here and ready to have me lean on them. i’ve gained stronger relationships with those people. i’ve learned a LOT about my children and how they respond to stress, instability, love, patience, routine and an understanding of what is expected. i have learned about myself…that stress makes me sick (literally), that a glass of wine in the evening makes me a crabby mama in the morning; that i need breaks and i do not feel guilty about that, but that i am also ready when they come back. i’ve learned I need routine and a sense of peace in my house and that a messy toy room is nothing to freak out about. oh and i’ve learned to let go of things that no longer serve me. that’s a huge step for me.

just don’t let them back in. that person who made you decide to file for divorce?? keep that person away and keep moving forward. it’s for the best. just don’t forget what made you get there. we tend to forget the bad stuff because time heals and has a way of making us forget. when you let them back in, that growth you’ve made and boundaries you’ve set seem to fly right out the window. they suck the life right back out of us all over again. the emotional setbacks you create are not worth it when you let them back in, if even for a day. take it from me. you are worth way, WAY more than that. they do not deserve a moment of your time, a breath from your lips or a beat of your heart. save those moments and your heart for the friends and family and children who truly love you no matter what; those that know you are just going through hard times and that you’re still lovable. because you are.

daydreams

last friday night i was at home with my kids for my weekend with them. no different really than before, in my opinion…just missing dad but they don’t really seem to notice. one thing i have to be thankful for is that he travels a lot for work, so him being gone during the week is nothing new for anyone, except that he could be home if he wanted to be. anyway, i was thinking on friday night about what i would be doing with my life AND on any given night, if i was a single divorcing lady, no kids.

i decided that i would definitely have a career. most likely anyway. i’d probably have a master’s degree already, but having kids has driven me in a direction i never saw coming, so i can’t say i’d have a master’s in public health like i want to now. i imagine having my own business of sorts. i’d also live somewhere else. if i was getting divorced in my city now, the first thing i’d do is move. i would just want a fresh start without having to think about running into him. i would definitely travel. take longer trips and go further distances. maybe i’d even work abroad, really serving thankful, grateful people who need help. maybe i wouldn’t even have a home in the states, but live abroad. yes…that.

i’d have coffee with friends after our dinner party where we sat on pillows on the floor around a big, low, heavy wooden table. we’d eat amazing food, drink wine and then coffee with desert and talk and laugh. warm air, music. i’d ride a bike around and not have a ton of stuff to worry about what i was going to do with. i’d read a bazillion books and have a cozy bed. i’d have a romantic relationship for a while maybe, let it consume me and when it was over, let it be over. no kids to worry about hurting or being stable for. we’d talk about important things and dream about where to go next and how we would help. i want to see the places i see in dreams; temples, pyramids, green foliage, small towns, villages, open markets, vibrant colors. my senses would be filled with smells and sights and sounds.

mostly i think i would have less stress. right now it seems like my life is so full of stress and everything being overwhelming. i love being a mom and clearly would not change a thing as they have forever changed me and who i am. it’s just nice to daydream sometimes and let my imagination fly, when my real life feels so monotonous and bland.

my goal is to re-gain my confidence and hopefully make some of these things happen, if not even for a trip or a short time. or maybe they happen here. who knows. i do know that i need some of these things on a basic level and i believe they can come true here or not too far from here. also, i have to have daydreams to keep my mind from wandering to the past and trying to figure out what happened when or what he meant etc. there must be some truth to day dreams and what they can be for goals.

here’s to moving on, living life, finding out who we are and what we are capable of doing and who we are meant to be!!

sometimes you just have to stop trying to understand certain people because it will never happen. until you make that decision, you will feel crazy trying to rationalize, convince, prove and change for them to see what you already know to be true. 

i’m not gonna lie…i was sort of missing my ex last night while carving pumpkins because he loves it and totally gets into carving cool designs and, honestly, because he is pretty good. it was one of the things i loved watching him do because he would get really into it. me, i just do the basic pumpkin faces with my kitchen knives and call it a day. some things trigger good memories and other things trigger relief and yet others trigger emotions of anger and sadness. for example, we were driving out to my sister’s after church and i kept thinking how grateful i was that he wasn’t with to make it tense and uncomfortable because it was always so uncomfortable when he’d come along, but then later the pumpkin carving feelings. this morning, he started texting me and i see it all over. the blame. the shame. the pointing fingers. clearly he is not doing very well and i can see what he is doing is for attention from me because there he’s not getting attention from me, trying to get him to move home. i got angry and then sad. why does he say the things he says? why does he bring up things that are so old and out of my frame of mind? why does he bring up things that i cannot control, like health issues? why?! he is trying to hurt me, i know this. after so many years, it still hurts so badly. instead of trying to place blame, just LET.IT.GO. i finally said to him, our state is no fault…we don’t need to have some kind of admission so we can go ahead with the divorce. seriously. 

today sucked. i was overwhelmed all day. tonight is lonely. i sure hope this gets better sooner than later. 

overwhelmed & lonely

build myself up and shine on

yes, yes…i’m still alive. i’m having a hard week since the kids came back on Sunday night. i had a great weekend with my friends and took in a fantastic concert i had been waiting a few months for! it was just a really good weekend. this week, though, has been yucky. i was in a funk and today i got my monthly, so maybe that is why and if i slow down to take the time and figure myself out, i’d probably notice a pattern! but anyway, today was better than yesterday and i just simply feel like some days i can’t get myself off the chair and i just want to hang out with the kids, but of course, who can sit in a chair all day at the kitchen table!? life goes on after all is said and done.

i talked to a doctor recently and he looked at all my old thyroid tests and gave me more info in those five minutes than i have gotten from endocrinologists in ten years! it is all making sense and i’m obsessed with understanding what i have. i even sent my ex some info, you know, to show him i’ve been battling this invisible monster (undiagnosed thyroid disorder) that no one could help me with and thanks for nothing, basically. this is good information for me because hopefully i can get help pretty soon and be on my way to healing my body. it sucks that even though i know i’ve been battling SOMETHING, he just was so incapable of understanding or trying to see what was happening and how it had been effecting my life more than i thought. hopefully i will have a handle on it all when i am ready to move forward and it will just help my happiness shine right on through!!

my counselor says happiness is a decision we make. i agree, however, it has been so hard to even get up after i can’t go to sleep until after midnight. it’s like i get this second wind around 6-7 pm, but then the a.m. comes hard and fast and i am painfully tired all day. i’ve been trying to eat in the mornings, but a couple times now i find myself almost vomiting for some reason and it really stinks! anyway, my counselor wants me to find three things i like about myself; qualities, strengths, whatever. she says that i have to learn to build myself up and not rely on anyone else to do it for me (seems obvious but when you didn’t realize someone was ripping you down to shreds until it was already going on for quite a while, building up can be a big job)! so she tells me this happiness thing is a decision and yet, this week has totally sucked and i’m really trying to be good and patient with myself, but it hasn’t been a strength of mine lately. so i just tell my kids as much as i need to that i’m sorry and i shouldn’t have yelled or whatever and that i’ll do better tomorrow. that’s truly what i need is grace and forgiveness and love anyway. i want them to know we are going to screw up but we are still lovable and to be responsible for our own actions. even though i’m an adult, the emotional abuse and misuse of love and taking advantage of my love had all but destroyed me. i questioned so much about everything, there were days i couldn’t decide which direction to go out of my driveway. that is crazy! i had learned to not trust myself, even though he wasn’t providing our family with any solid direction or good decisions. i truly am having to relearn to trust myself, my intuition, have courage and to feel competent.

i’d just like to put this out there…Be careful with your words. they have the power to build some one up or tear them down; drive people apart or help make connections. they can create a safe place for communication or a harmful place full of fear and loneliness. so please, be mindful and use your words to show love, kindness, compassion, healing, safety, and support.

thank goodness for a new day and a new sunrise each day. shows that we have another chance to be better than the day before. now to snuggle up with my little honey who just climbed in with me and get some rest.

so fitting and really, so beautiful

dating after divorce

i am here to say, that there is NO RIGHT WAY to heal from emotional abuse, relationship neglect, the lies, deceit, change, divorce, whatever. THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY.

after an affair, one friend is divorced, it is over. her husband couldn’t hang even though she repented and took responsibility and everything else, he refused to do any work. she had been calling out for years in need of support, love, conversation, connection. you name it, she did it. he ignored her. 

one friend is not yet divorced, yet she has been dating a new guy a few months into her split from her husband. she says it took her 46 years to find the right man. i met him. i saw them together and they are pretty amazing and he appears to be a really great guy. i got a good vibe from him and i know that, if anything, he is teaching her and himself (being out of a yucky relationship over a year ago), that it can still happen after bad relationships. they met when they least expected it and it has been amazing since the beginning. 

another friend is just single and doing the things that make her happy. running, going out, concerts, her kids, with her FRIENDS. no dating right now. 

my sister…10 years now since she divorced and she’s only dated a couple men. she doesn’t want to risk going back there. she likes being single but is lonely and it seems like she uses her busy schedule of running her son around to keep from getting involved. i don’t think she’s over what happened, but i probably would not be either. it was pretty traumatic. 

me…just single. not looking for either, but i’d rather hang out with girl friends. i just want to feel good. not worry. i have some healing to do and want to date when it happens naturally. i don’t want any issues i had with my husband to surface in a new relationship. give me some time and i’ll be good. 

truth is…there is no right way. who’s to say there is some formula for moving on? who’s to say there is a right way to re-enter the dating scene? i’ve read a few articles saying different things, however, the one thing that stuck out was, some people were “done” with their marriage before they actually split. no one but them knows how long they tried or how hard they prayed or hoped or did things differently. no one can tell them when they are ready. there are some people for whom the divorce was a shock, surprise and terribly painful. they might take more time than the person who gave it their all for months while the relationship just continued to die. none of us can judge the other. 

sometimes i consider finding a new guy…to help distract me from the feelings of being alone and the quiet of the weekends without kids. honestly, it wouldn’t be fair. i don’t want to have my new guy hear me cry if something was awakened within me or if something triggered my “i wonder when he’s going to leave” fear. i don’t want them to have to prove themselves, nor do i want to have someone just to take my mind off the divorce or distract me from being alone. i need to be alone. i need to feel the pain, find some peace within myself so that when the person comes along, they aren’t filling MY void, empty spaces. 

i want them to compliment me, not complete me. 

i love this…seeking safety in the Lord. there really is no other way. i have given up on having earthly safety, especially when it comes to trusting and loving the person who said he would keep us safe and unharmed and loved within my marriage. i am definitely becoming more spiritual and open to hearing God these days. what’s so cool is that when i least expect it, i hear Him speak to me. my friend’s husband says he knew that i had it in me and that it is my calling to hear it. my friend sent me this: “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” and this is what happened to me, when i was searching but not praying and not even knowing what i needed or could have prayed for. he spoke to me and said, “you can let go now. it is time.” so amazing. my desperation for my husband to be with me…GONE.

when you really listen…