just as soon as i turned back to hope for my marriage, i was blindsided by news that no one ever EVER wants to hear. but i tried. i tried and tried and tried with that man. while i was trying, he tried when he felt like it. he’d help me when he ‘got around to it.’ but never with the big stuff. i needed help processing, to be strong and make it with him, but i was dismissed. put aside. i did not matter. or, at least i didn’t matter enough for him to make me a priority.
three more months. that is all i gained and also all i lost in the time i had with him as my husband. this time, i’m not even sad. i’m angry. not raging lunatic angry, but angry just the same. angry that he put us through all the crap he has. that he strung me along, or that i let him string me along. the way he spoke to and treated my oldest two children. the way he ignored me. the way he withheld his heart and his feelings and overall, withheld himself from me, the one he chose to marry. the inattentiveness. the unappreciative comments and general attitude that i did nothing for our family as a stay at home mom. the insults. the lack of empathy for hard days with children while he was on the road. the bitter heart he carries around. the constant criticism. the nice fat paychecks, but unpaid bills. the lies. the deceit. the never-standing-up-for-me to anyone. my constant attempts to meet his expectations, yet always seemed to fall short. i’m angry that he has always been jealous of my friends and family. that i let friends go because i didn’t want the conflict or he convinced me somehow that he was right. the vulgarity of his language and thoughts. his put-downs of people. his excuses. always a damn excuse for why he wasn’t successful or able to succeed sooner. the double standards. the way he used shame and humiliation to move me into submission. the coming and going every few months. the lies…did i mention the lies? the mixed messages on any and all things. the blame. ooooh the blame! my own naiveness. the sadness he caused my children as he left us over and over. the hope he created by coming back, only to leave again. the dog shit he put in my bed because he was convinced i had been sleeping with someone else…only it was him, not me that was doing that. the spraying of the water hose in my face because i stood up to him for once and he didn’t like it. the use of fear to control…not just me, but all of us. that i felt it as personal humiliation, but he really was he one who it reflected on. the name-calling. the porn. the tension he created by just being here. the feeling of walking on egg shells constantly. the 32 oz mason jars, filled with ice and then half way filled up with rum, the other half with diet coke or 7-up. the person he became after drinking. the gambling. the flowers that he bought me that made me wonder why he was buying me flowers. the fucking cell phone! the doubt. foreboding joy. not letting the kids help each other. the way he changed over the years. being just as ‘gone’ while home as he was while away.
not all of our time was bad. i just have a really hard time thinking of anything good about him these days. seriously though, what good is a really good job if you don’t use your money wisely? no amount of money would ever be enough. and no amount of money is worth it if you end up sacrificing your family and relationship in order to succeed. one person is never to blame in a situation. i really feel in my heart i have done a decent amount of self-reflection, listening to him and his needs, responding how i felt capable to respond. the things he wanted from me caused me to become someone else and that pulled me away from who i really was. here i was, feeling so disconnected from myself and wondering what the hell had happened, when really i had just changed to fit his requests without even really knowing what i was doing. we were disconnected. he was gone for months and i finally recognized the person looking back at me in the mirror. he came back a couple weeks later and within a very short amount of time, i felt destroyed. i’m back to not recognizing myself.
with all those things i listed that make me so angry for putting up with, finding the good in him is so far beyond where i am right now. he did this to himself. no one made him stop believing in God. no one. no one made him say the things he said or do the things he did. no one made him distance himself from us. no one made him into the person he is but himself.
i’m glad i’m already past the sadness. i had months of that the last times he left. this time, i’m already in the next stage of grief and i’m okay with that. i’m sure the sadness will come now and then, but i’d rather not sacrifice myself for one more minute for it to be in vain. when all of this has become your reality, there is no looking back, only looking ahead and being glad to be able to breath and be yourself once more.
lifeunarmed 