today i felt so numb. numb but angry. we were home and the kids are remarkable, really. they feel the stress. it’s truly amazing how they are like little barometers of mama’s stress. they were fighting, crying, whining. the hardest thing, RIGHT NOW, is that i have no money. my husband would not allow me to have access to the money he made. no bank card. no emergency card. nothing. he would hand me cash every so often and it was however much he determined to be enough. once i had $100 last me over two weeks. that was $100 for everything i might need to do for two weeks while he was gone. he thought i was so frivolous, yet i stretched that $100 as long as i could.
anyway, back to today. we finally went to the store for milk and eggs. a small distraction to get us through the last part of the afternoon. my four year old has autism and has been regressing terribly. we were leaving the store and i felt like i was going to lose my mind, cry, scream and pull my hair out all at the same time. my patience had worn down. i thought for sure i was going to do any or all of those things, but i didn’t. then my little guy started demanding wendy’s because he saw the stupid sign. so as i’m going through the drive-thru to get him his cheeseburger & fries (not what i feed him but i just couldn’t handle the repeating for wendy’s). as we are going through to the window and i’m gathering my change to buy his food, i started crying. all four kids in the van. me crying. trying not to, but not succeeding. pissed because i don’t even have three full dollars to give to the lady. i have to give them change. and i’m thinking to myself that my husband is off doing who know’s what and spending money like it’s nothing. that i have to count my change just to buy milk and eggs. that really pisses me off! later my daughter asked me why i was crying. my oldest asked me if i ate dinner. i am so glad they see me in my vulnerability. i want my son to see and hear how painful it is for me so that he thinks twice about doing anything similar, or maybe he will refuse to do anything but the opposite. i want my daughters to know that this is NOT what a healthy relationship is and it’s not worth it. that i’m sorry for putting her through this crap. that we deserve better and that this is why i am doing this. i want them all to know relationships don’t have to hurt. they don’t have to hurt anyone that is a part of it; not the two adults, definitely not the kids. i certainly won’t be able to keep it together 100% of the time when i have them the majority of the time.
so…i am a stay at home mom. i have kids. i have two with autism. one functions mostly okay except in certain situations. the other struggles most of the time. we have appointments that we are supposed to be going to yet can’t because of insurance. he is in school a few afternoons, which is nice, but it’s almost impossible to get him to go. i’ve had him in a number of daycare settings, and none have worked out. so it’s either I hire a PCA or i don’t work. i figure a PCA plus child care for the youngest would probably eat up my whole pay check. i bust my ass for my family!! i bring them to their appointments. i make home cooked healthy food. i do projects with them. teach them how to garden. read with them. color with them. play with them. teach how to play games. make it to parent teacher conferences alone. i go to lessons, games, tournaments, girl scouts, etc. i do the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry. I.am.not.complaining. IT IS JUST WHAT I DO. so now i do ALL these things and have even less money. it is making me mad, anxious. it ALMOST makes me want to have him come back. BUT, i cannot. this crap cannot continue. i figure i will only struggle for about a year. WHATEVER. if we are all happier, then it is all worth it. the kids miss him because he was gone for work and hasn’t yet returned. i dread morning because they will ask if he’s coming home ‘today.’ my questions today…HOW AM I GONNA DO THIS!? AHHHHHHH!!!!
one truth i know RIGHT NOW is this FUCKING SUCKS. i hate it all. i hate that i put myself here. i hate that i put my kids in something so yucky (in all fairness, it wasn’t like this before). i hate that we brought two kids INTO this family when this is where we are ending up. i hate that now i have to figure EVERYTHING out. at least before i didn’t have to worry if there would be money because he has a great job, however, i still worried about everything else because stuff still did not get paid. i am anxious. i am stressed. i am hurt. i am worried. i am tired, exhausted, drained. my head feels like it could explode and my heart feels deflated. i hate that i am questioning God how he could give me so much. literally way too much for one person. the only peace i find in this is that God knows i CAN handle it, which is why i have all of this. i need peace. i need calm. i need to breathe and be me and find comfort in all that i know deep deep down to be true. i must face my fears and do the thing i fear. i must move on.
lifeunarmed 